Sherilyn Connelly > Diary > April 21 - 30, 2006

My Face for the World to See (Part II):
The Diary of Sherilyn Connelly
a fiction

April 21 - 30, 2006


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Sunday, 30 April 2006 (reason to go on)

Busiest. Weekend. Ever. Yesterday felt like it, anyway. Two moving sales (one based out of my garage), blood-drawing, chinese lunch, boots and blank media not purchased, the final night of Vash's play, a coworker's birthday bash, and yet another late-night chinese meal set to the Powerpuff Girls. For starters.

Within a few weeks I should have a new (to me) desk and bed. There'll be slightly less floorspace in my already tiny apartment, but I'll be a hell of a lot more comfortable.


So I can not write about it and be accused of covering up, or I can write about it and be accused of gossiping. I can paraphrase and be accused of misquoting, or I can quote verbatim and be accused of, well, quoting verbatim. Still beats not doing it at all.

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Saturday, 29 April 2006 (sailing a jewel crown)
sometime after midnight

she totally stole the play. then again, the slut always does.

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Friday, 28 April 2006 (the hollowness of virtue)

They're starting to talk about cocktails. The moment they break out the beer—which usually happens around this time on Fridays—I am so outta here.

Good rehearsal last night. It was Chris's first time at the theater, and it was quite nice to get there and find her and Jim already bonding over certain geographical and ethnic ties. Having a lead who gets along with the venue owners is helpful.. Nell couldn't be there, so Vash once again did the honors. I'll have to have her read for Dav'id at an upcoming rehearsal just so she'll get to do all three parts.

Our next rehearsal is this Sunday, after Bad Movie Night. We're pretty much stealing stage time for next couple weeks until the week of the show itself. I'm feeling confident about it, though. In spite of the complications and setbacks, the episode's going to be pretty damned good.


Satan, deliver me from well-intentioned straight men. I'd almost prefer they insulted me outright. At least then I'd know where I stand.

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Thursday, 27 April 2006 (a cripppled plaything)

No gym, for the third morning in a row. Am I off the track already, after only a month? I hope not. I don't think so. Tuesday it was a question of oversleeping (unusual for me), yesterday I had to stay at home for the dumb stupid water department, and today when i got to the gym I realized that I'd forgotten about half of what I needed. Clothes, specifically. So.

At the Eureka Valley Library yesterday evening, I stopped at one of the tables to fish my card out of my bag. A woman sitting behind me—I was still standing, and our backs were to each other—started saying Sir...Sir...Sir...Sir. I paid her no mind, since in spite of massive evidence to the contrary I still assume that it's obvious I'm not a "sir." I was, of course, mistaken. When I picked up my bag and turned to leave, our eyes met and she said Sir, Could You Please Sit On The Other Side Of Me? I Have Allergies. i'm not sitting, i replied tersely, and i'm not a sir. She looked at me with a vague smile, as though she had no idea what I was talking about, and I walked away.


Sometimes, I almost miss The Fidget Queen. Almost. If I'm going to have the voice and noise of a boy grind away at my nerves, it might as well be one who takes it up the ass. One who admits it, anyway. Because I'm a heterophobic bigot.

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Wednesday, 26 April 2006 (the ghost of the good mary)

I have to let a guy from the water department into my house, so I didn't go to work today. According to Sister Edith, I'm not missing a whole hell of a lot.

Last night was both a quick rehearsal for Dav'id's episode and the aforementioned recording session with Dr. Hal. They both redeemed and evening which had been more than a little trying, between the heterochatter of the Encoding Monkeys and a rather harrowing trip to the theater. One group of pastel-clad tourists stopped and stared in unison as I walked by (no, they were not dazzled by my luminous beauty), and that was the least of the annoyances. The next person who thinks they have the right to shove a piece of paper in my face just because we're sharing oxygen will find their political screed shoved down their throat. And don't fucking tell me I'm "living in a dream world" just because I'm not wasting my time on you.

While I'm only onstage for all of five minutes in Dav'id's episode, they're a pretty good five minutes. It feels wonderful to act again, even if the character's name is Sherilyn and is based entirely on me. While Jim was futzing with the recording of Hal to make it sound properly radio-like, I probably had the biggest, goofiest grin I've had on my face for a very long time. It's so neat to make things happen.

I'm meeting with Chris tonight to read through and discuss the script, and tomorrow we'll actually get some time at the theater. To make the most of that time, I cancelled on the City Hall event. Not only was I going to be one of several zillion readers and thus unlikely to be missed, but I was starting to get that thumpy-heart wrongplacewrongplacewrongplace feeling about being at City Hall when I could be taking advantage of prime rehearsal time at the theater. I'm firm believer in following my instincts.


Finally got to do a readthrough of the script with Chris this evening. After my post yesterday, the irony is not lost on me that in choosing to cast her I had to wait a week before we could start working together. It was still the right decision.

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Tuesday, 25 April 2006 (north of salinas)

I hate my body.


This weekend, a woman who tops out around 5'6" told me she envies tall people since "you can wear anything you want." I bit my tongue so hard, it's a wonder I can still produce laminal consonants.


This is what happened. Pre-existing tensions and personality clashes between Maddy and certain theater people reached boiling point over Easter weekend, exacerbated by a new conflict over marquee space. That Monday, she said the thought of going anywhere near the theater made feel overwhelmingly nervous and anxious, and that the stress might result in a lousy performance. She told me she wanted to see how things went on Friday night (she's stage-managing a play) before she made a definite decision.

See, I didn't want to have to recast the lead role so late in the game, let alone fire my best friend and ex-wife. But I didn't see any choice, especially since there was a chance the decision would be made for me, and later rather than sooner.

I'm no good at math, but this one calculated itself. We opened in exactly thirty-one days. I could either start looking for a new lead now and take advantage of as much of that time as possible, or I could wait until Friday, and possibly have to start from scratch with only twenty-six days. There was the chance that she'd decide not to bail, but there would still be the increasingly thick tension to work around, plus her own admission that her performance might suffer as result. A clean slate was looking more and more preferable. I knew there'd be blowback, that it would put me right back on a lot of shitlists (assuming I'd ever left them after the breakup), but that didn't matter. What mattered was what was best for my play, for my quote-art-unquote, and that was to start from scratch as soon as possible.

My play, my responsibility, my decision, no matter how difficult. Such, as I say, is showbiz.


someday, i want to hear your side of the story.


Gosh, there's nothing funnier than straight people making jokes about gay pr0n! They're right—it is gross!

sometime after midnight

Oh. My. GOD. Dr. Hal recorded his radio bits for my Twilight Zone tonight, and then Jim layered a lot of radio noise over them (primarily from WFMU's Adventures in Amplitude Modulation as well as Alastair Galbraith's Coordinated Universal Time, both provided by me), then did a bunch of other neat stuff. It sounds so frickin' cool. It's going to be a great episode.

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Monday, 24 April 2006 (premonitions of an evil deed)

Seven years and one month ago today.

One of the reasons I transcribed the workout notes onto this page Friday was in case I lost track of the original over the weekend. Which is exactly what I did. In order to maintain when you're as dense and absent-minded as I am, you have to plan ahead and outthink yourself. Idiot-proof your life, so to speak.

My new lead actress, Chris Anagnostis, called on Saturday (from Canada!) to confirm that she is, in fact, my new lead actress. (I knew she was genuinely interested in the role and was going to acce[t, but given my own miscasting trauma, I wanted to hear her say it.) She'll be back in the republic Tuesday night, and I'm hoping to start working with her on Wednesday night. Rehearsal with the other two-thirds of the cast went very well on Sunday, with Vash kindly standing in for my erstwhile lead. Shouldn't be too difficult to bring Chris up to speed, but the more we rehearse, the better. It's not like this is a monthlong show in which things can be (and should but aren't always) tweaked as necessary. we have one weekend, and that's it unless someone offers to produce it elsewhere. And that isn't likely to happen.

Vash and I, with Esther in our orbit, left the party on Saturday night around midnight. We'd hoped to be there longer, but there were angry, glaring ghosts about.


It's a good thing I've gotten some work done on my play tonight (mostly wrangling schedules and gathering sound effects), or else I'd feel rather embarrassed that I've spent the last hour or two playing Atari 2600 games. Tuesday night is a rehearsal for Dav'id's episode, followed by a recording session with Dr. Hal.

Meanwhile, I may or may not have a houseguest this weekend, but I definitely have to come up with something to read at City Hall before then.

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Saturday, 22 April 2006 (a glorious day)

Cindy and I have been invited to read in the Poem Under the Dome event at City Hall this Thursday. I have no idea what I'm going to read, since I don't write poetry, but it should be an interesting experience nonetheless. Haven't been under that particular dome for a few years.

When I mentioned to one of the party organizers last night that I'd worked out with a personal trainer earlier in the day, she said I'd be sore come Saturday morning. She wasn't lying.

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Friday, 21 April 2006 (playing both sides)

One more audition, at noon. My decision is all but made, though I want to give everyone who expressed interest (all three of them!) a chance. You never know.

Had my first and probably only session with the personal trainer this morning. Hurty, but in a good way. For as much as it would cost to pay for sessions—the first number she quoted was in the lower four digit range—I could cut to the chase and get lipo.

She wrote down what we did, so I have a chance in hell of replicating it on my own:

spinning bike

leg press (near the treadmills) 2 35lb plates
leg press (near the front desk) 90 lbs
(inner thigh) hip adductor (60 lbs) 20 reps
(outer thigh) hip abductor (50 lbs) 20 reps
push-ups on knees
push-ups on squat machine bar
pull-ups on leg press machine
pull-ups on squat machine bar
shoulder press machine @ 20 lbs (15 reps)
bicep curls on chair w/ 10lb weights in each hand
* keep back straight, chest out, abs tight
crunches: slower, concentrate on rolling into a ball; use the ab chair to stabilize your back and neck

I figure I can manage about half of it on my own, anyway, and that's better than nothing. A lot of the machines (especially the spinning bike) required adjustment beyond what she's accustomed due to my height, which, as she observed, is above average. It took her about two minutes to also observe from my posture that I'm not so happy about my height, and unconsciously try to compensate for it with bad posture. I need to remember one of the few bits of genuinely good advice I got from summer: chin up, hands on hips, shoulders back, tits out. Because I have to do this. Nothing else will work.


The third and final audition is done, and I know who I'm going to cast. Now all she has to do is respond and say yes.

sometime after midnight

After helping set up the main room at the Center for Sex and Culture for a sex party (which is happening Saturday, but they set up tonight), I shared the stage with Karen Greenlee at a Walpurgisnacht show hosted by Anton LaVey's daughter. Vash was in her play tonight so she wasn't able to volunteer, though we'll be going to the party together, and she hooked up with me at the Walpurgisnacht gig. All in all, it's the sort of night that makes me quite happy about the direction my life is going. (Even if my grammar skills fail me as I attempt to describe it.)

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