My Face for the World to See (Part II):
The Diary of Sherilyn Connelly
a fiction


June 12 - 20, 2003

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Friday, 20 June 2003 (lone wolf)
9:53am

US Troops Admit Shooting Iraqi Civilians.

Sergeant First Class John Meadows summed up the prevailing attitude amongst his colleagues telling the Evening Standard that Iraqi fighters were dressed in civilian clothes.

"You can't distinguish between who's trying to kill you and who's not," he said.

"Like, the only way to get through s*** like that was to concentrate on getting through it by killing as many people as you can, people you know are trying to kill you. Killing them first and getting home."

But remember, American soldiers are heroes, defending our freedom! Support them, damnit!

We went on a picnic with Lee, Melissa and their four goats yesterday. The humans ate homemade sushi.

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Thursday, 19 June 2003 (restraining order blues)
7:43am

On Tuesday we picked up Violet and went to the first night of Monique and Steven's poetry open mic. Though there was some good stuff, it also afforded Nicole the opportunity to hear some really, really bad poetry. Lucky her. (The words "You go, girl!" should never ever be applied to Janis Joplin, especially coming from a boomer in a tie-dyed dress and floppy hat.) In Steven's honor I read my piece about posing for him. It'll probably be the last time I read it unless asked (or unless I get desperate for material). It's not bad, and there's a good story to be told, but it just doesn't flow right.

Monique has asked me to feature there in July, and Danielle will be as well. Speaking of whom, according to Violet, Tara has squeezed Danielle onto the schedule as a feature next month at K'vetch. I don't know why that makes me nervous, but it does. I'm sure it'll go fine.

Both of my chapbooks are now on sale for two bucks each at Dog-Eared Books and Modern Times. Maybe someday they'll be available beyond the corner of 20th and Valencia, but as far as I'm concerned, it's a good place to start.

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Wednesday, 18 June 2003 (rock hard times)
10:52am

So, yeah.

  1. The turnout was good, I think. Mostly people I knew, and that's okay. In fact, I think it's probably the first time I've read in front of so many people I know by name. (There are always familiar faces at K'vetch, of course, but I don't have most of their email addresses, either.) I think it helps that I've gotten so much practice in front of strangers.
  2. Lee and Melissa made one of their all-too-rare trips into The City. They actually came out to the apartment first, and we caravaned to Adobe in my car. Lee said he wouldn't have missed it. I love him so much.
  3. Because Lee was there, I'm all the more glad that certain people weren't. Indeed, there was nobody there who I didn't want to see.
  4. One of the cool things about gathering friends from relatively disparate circles together is watching them interact, like Pam and Chupa, Lee and Ted, and so on.
  5. That so many of the people there had never heard me read before helped me feel a little less guilty about reading some older material. I did two old ones and two new ones, including a piece which was only half-finished.
  6. One guy who I'm pretty sure just wandered in off the street—after all, it was a free event in a part of town with lots of people wandering the streets—came up to me afterwards and said he really liked my stuff, and asked where else I'd be reading.
  7. Oh good god but Chupa looked hot. It's the first time I've ever seen her in a dress, and she was wearing a large fall which perfectly matched her hair, and...damn. Shauna (who was looking stunning herself) and I spotted her at the same time while she was still outside. We turned to one another and let out a collective sigh. It hurt, but we both got over it quickly enough.
  8. That said, of course, I'm thrilled she was able to make it, both because we just don't see her enough, and because Nicole was there and has been wanting to meet her.
  9. Violet Hemlock was there. He's actually been over a few times recently; we've been working on finding gigs for Danielle next month, putting together publicity, et cetera. I'd offered to open for her and he didn't say no, but after hearing me read, he thinks I'd be perfect. Cool.
  10. Maddy taped the reading. It's the first time I've ever seen how I look when I'm performing. Wow, but I spaz out sometimes. Still, I think my energy level was pretty good considering I hadn't ingested anything since a salad at Herbivore over six hours before. That's adrenaline for you.
  11. (e) debuted some new material, saying that the energy in the room felt right. Although we had many mutual friends there, quite a few of the faces were new to her. I was glad that I'd helped to create a safe space for her. (I'm very protective of (e), which can be frustrating since there's ultimately so little I can do for her. But, while there doesn't seem to be any practical way for me to go with her on her book tour, I'll at least be going to AAA and getting her all the maps and stuff she'll need to always know where she's going and exactly how to get there. It's something, at least.)
  12. I wore basically what I wore to the Cramps show last week—cheerleader skirt and Annie's crop-top—though I also wore kitty ears. Basically, I couldn't think of any reason not to.
  13. Is it as shallow to brag about how little you paid for something (less than three dollars from the Salvation Army in Fresno for the skirt) as it is to brag about how expensive something is? Is it another form of conspicuous consumption, just in the opposite direction?
  14. I'd meant to get a picture of (e), Shauna and I together, but it totally slipped my mind. Damn.
  15. David West brought me biscotti he'd made himself. Matthue said that was not unlike being blessed by the Pope. (At least, I think that's how he phrased it. Matthue seems both unlikely and extremely likely to use Pope metaphors.) I've been thinking for a while that I'd like to do a reading with David and Lauren Wheeler.
  16. My name was misspelled on the otherwise very neat cake. Shauna apologized profusely, but she needn't have, since though she got the cake the misspelling wasn't remotely her fault. (I like that it was Halloween-themed, that when she was picking out a design that one reminded her of me.) Ironically, the piece I hadn't been able to finish in time dealt with the fact that nobody ever spells "Sherilyn" right.
  17. The first half of piece was about my birth name and how I came to choose Sherilyn. When I was first developing the idea, I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted to even mention my birth name. There are certain people who really don't need to know it; Maddy's mother, for example, because she would use it. But none of those people were there that night, and, ultimately, treating it like a secret will turn it into one, and secrets can be used against me.
  18. None of us went on for very long, with (e) maybe going upwards of twenty minutes, although the host Chaim said we could each read for thirty if we wanted. There's a lot ot be said for short and sweet to keep tedium from setting in, although, if I may be so bold, we were all rocked the house so there wasn't much chance of that.
  19. In any event, the majority of the evening wasn't taken up with the reading, but, rather, the socializing before and after. That's always the fun part.
  20. Afterwards, we had dinner with Melissa and Lee at a Pakistani place down from Adobe, then went back to our apartment to relax and watch kittypr0n (at Lee's request). He also repaired our tribble, which has been silent for a long time.
  21. My thirtieth birthday passed without a major personal flameout. Not everyone is so lucky.

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Tuesday, 17 June 2003 (agony)
12:58pm

My friends are so fucking beautiful.

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Monday, 16 June 2003 (dirty girl)
9:34am

I discovered last night that about half of the new chapbooks we'd made a couple days ago are no good—they copied single- rather than double-sided. On the plus side, when I made more copies of my first chapbook earlier in the day (at a different Kinko's than we'd gone to before), I also made covers for the new one that weren't at an angle. So I only have half as many ready to go for tonight as I would have liked—though they'll probably still be twice as many as I need—but they look better than they would have otherwise. See? Things even out.

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Sunday, 15 June 2003 (love of the loveless)
10:32am

My throat is no longer sore, and I'm feeling much healthier. On the other hand, the left side of my lower lip is swollen from (accidentally) biting it hard enough to draw blood a few days ago. I've been using clove oil, and though it will surely take at least a week to actually heal, whether or not it'll be back to its normal shape by tomorrow evening will partially depend on how well I can avoid irritating it today. Tricky, since I can feel it touching my teeth.

And if I bite it tomorrow while reading, boy, there is no way I'll be able to pretend it didn't happen, since I'll be too busy involuntarily cringing. If it does happen, I hope I at least reopen the wound so I can wipe the blood on my face and use the opportunity to promote Danielle Willis's readings next month.

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Saturday, 14 June 2003 (the good old days)
11:52pm

This evening, Leslie Feinberg said I'm likeable and have a warm personality (we were giving hir a lift to hir hotel after Intercourse, though we'd first met at the Women's Building earlier in the day), and Kate Bornstein described me as "stunning and beautiful" after admitting that she'd been noticing me all day long.

Normally I'd take comments like that with a large grain of salt, but when such icons/elders/heroes/trailblazers are saying it (and of their own volition—as Maddy will attest, in both cases it was organic to the conversation and I was not fishing for compliments), the thing to do is smile, thank them, and take it to heart. Which is what I did. I'm much better about that than I used to be, though I'm still careful not to believe my own hype. As far as I'm concerned, it means I have to try that much harder, to prove that I have more to bring to the table than just a pretty face.

Leslie—who, in spite of what the dour nature of hir photos would suggest, is very congenial and friendly—seemed impressed by the cover of my latest chapbook, which I just made at Kinko's yesterday. (When I joked that it would be a good way to kill about three minutes on the plane, s/he told me not to sell my writing short. Okay, I deserved that.) Unfortunately, it was extremely difficult to find a machine that would print level, so certain pages in many of them, as well as a lot of the covers, aren't quite at right angles. It doesn't need to be perfect, though it still hurts a little.

As I'd expected, everyone who spoke or otherwise performed today was brilliant. Not a bum note in the lot of them. Makes me proud to be where, when, and who I am, to be able to listen to and interact with these people.

Last night Pike and his boyfriend Paul (a Frameline member who had gotten free tickets) treated me to a movie at the San Francisco Gay and Lesbian Film Festival: Porn Theatre, a subtitled French film about sex amongst the male patrons of, as the title implies, a porn theatre. (Maddy was invited as well, but she was getting my cold and not up to going out.) It was just so French and so gay, so, naturally, I loved it. I may even be able to squeeze out a review of it for Cinema Sewer. Whether or not Robin uses it is another matter.

I've been working on a new piece to read on Monday. There's a possibility that it won't be ready to go on time, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Of course, time wouldn't be so tight if I wasn't considering going to the free Patti Smith show in Berkeley tomorrow...

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Thursday, 12 June 2003 (saturday morning)
9:15am

Ugh. I have a cold, or allergies, or something. Sore throat, overproductive nose, the works. The warning signs were appearing yesterday, and it's definitely in my system today. Oh well. I just hope I'm over it by Monday. If not, I guess I'll deal.

The local salon where I've been getting my hair cut and colored is closed for the next week and a half. So much for getting my hair done before the reading. Again, I'll deal. It's what I do.

7:10pm

This morning, I'd briefly entertained the notion that I'd be feeling well enough by this evening to go to Poetry Mission for a little practice. No such luck. The real bummer is that I'd hoped to get together tonight with Rkya Aoki, who I met all too briefly in September at ForWord Girls and is in town from Los Angeles to read at Intercourse this weekend. But I really, really shouldn't leave the house tonight, not if I hope to get any better over the next few days. Besides, giving Ryka what I have would be a bad thing. And so.

From my notebook Tuesday night.

6/10/03
8:45pm
At two hours ago I got a call from Maddy, who'd discovered quite by accident that Lisa Germano was in town and playing at Cafe DuNord. About an hour later I joined her out there, and shortly after that we were talking to Lisa herself and giving her the kittypr0n tape I'd brought along in the unlikely event that we did, in fact, speak to her. I love my City so much. (Those who don't are kindly invited to live elsewhere and leave more room for the Believers.)

it's dangerous, the way i feel sometimes.
i'll find myself in trouble again if i'm not care.
pride and hubris are indistinguishable at first.

9:45pm
I've loved the weather the last few days: bright but slightly chilly from a strong sea breeze, with a fog bank looming on the horizon. It's the sort of thing I always associated with going to the coast when I was growing up. I like it. It makes me happy to live where I do.

10:20pm
When I went outside before the show to go to the store, Lisa was at the door smoking. When she saw me, she got all excited about a cat she'd seen in a window down the street. It was very cute of her, and I love that I reminded her of the cat, or versa. She also seemed genuinely grateful for the tape, although I couldn't help but disclaim like mad about the fact that I gave her Volume 1 (all I had on short notice), and I really feel the show had improved greatly since then. Lisa said she was sure she'd enjoy it all the same, and I think she will. It seems like her sort of show, which of course is why we brought it along for her in the first place.

Between songs, Lisa mentioned that her ISP charged her a few grand and her site was frozen. She didn't say why, but I suspect it had to do with the unusual number of hits it surely received after a an article about her in Salon.

After the show, we waited until she had a few free moments ("The kitty people!" she said when she saw us), and I told her that I have a friend who does site hosting. She seemed interested, and I told her that I'd look into for her. (I have, and sent her the info.) I briefly considered asking if she wanted to go somewhere for a drink, but it looked like she already had plans, and besides, I wasn't sure where we would go. All I could think of was the Lexington, which would have been logistically tricky at best. It also happened to be karaoke night at Annie's, but that would have been even odder than taking her to the Lex.

Anyway, I settled for suggesting that if she likes kittypr0n, perhaps if we were ever in her neck of the woods—Los Angeles, where we've been vaguely planning on going anyway to see Barefoot and Astrid and Tania and all the other cool people who don't live in San Francisco\—we could tape her cats. I must not have been giving off too much of a stalker vibe, since she gave me her email address. This may be that final incentive Maddy and I have been needing to really get this trip together. As if having Michelle Tea's cat on the show wasn't cool enough...

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