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Sunday, 31 May 2009 (hissing fauna, are you the destroyer?) 10:26am I just filled out a W-9 for a writing job, which is always a nice feeling. "Job" is a strong word for it at the moment, actually. The editor of Carnal Nation has asked to reprint "Three-Twenty-Seven-Ought-Five," saying that with all the discussion about same-sex marriage, I think that it would be great to run a piece that's as unflinching about the complexities of relationships. Sounds good to me. He'd also like me to submit more stuff, and I'm tossing around the idea of serializing some of Bottomfeeder. The site pays by pageview, so there's no telling what I'll make (possibly a bit, probably a little), but it's swell to get paid at all. It also goes to show the value of being in the right place at the right time, since the editor first became aware of my existence when I read at Perverts Put Out last month. Gotta put yourself out there. 7:02pm Then again, with my knees killing me after having rehearsed "The Last Dog and Pony Show" for the last few hours with Michelle, I get why Salinger never leaves the house. Being a writer's exhausting work, at least in this town. 11:43pm Bad Movie Night was great. Die Another Day closed out our James Bond month, and I'm glad to be done with it. No karoake at Divas for me tonight, though. I'd really like to get more than five hours of sleep tonight, and quite frankly, I'm too glowy from last night to feel the need to slay any demons with song. | ||
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Saturday, 30 May 2009 (icons, abstract thee) 10:30am Today's the Queer Open Mic and BIG AMERICAN DANCE PARTY!, and then, whatever happens. Again: hopes, but no expectations. 1:03pm The pre-QOM music? An hour of Wilco. Because I can. sometime after midnight Wow. Those were best ten or so hours I've had in a long time. Marta met Perdita, and I do believe I've still got it. | ||
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Friday, 29 May 2009 (fork in the road) 9:25am My prescription is taking forever to transfer from Walgreens to San Francisco General. (In other shocking news, kittens are adorable.) They told me to call back after four to see if it's ready. So I shall. 5:42pm My prescription is ready, and I'm in line. Now I just have to make it through the line in time for a gig at Femina Potens tonight (the Queer Girl Theatre Project's One-Year Anniversary, to be precise). What could go wrong? Okay, I just don't get this. Why am I the only person in line reading a book? Surely this can't be everyone else's first time, they must have known going into it that a wait was inevitable, so why not bring reading material? I also have my headphones on, because I'm just that media-saturated. 6:58pm It's taking far longer than it should, because one of the clerks disappeared for about half an hour. There's the predictable grumbling from the people in line, including someone who keeps joking about how next time they should bring snacks or a karaoke machine to keep them occupied while they're waiting. Yeah, or maybe a book. Then again, I'm an arugula-eating elitist, so there you go. (Though I don't actually eat arugula.) 10:42pm I rocked the house at Femina Potens pretty hard, especially considering that I'd just stood in line for hours at Sam Franscisco General and hadn't had dinner. But I've done this long enough that I can still do a good job even when dealing with fatigue and low bloodsugar. I really wish I'd had a chance to put on some makeup, but that won't really be an issue until the pictures surface. Now, home and sleep. Big day tomorrow, for which I have hopes but no expectations. | ||
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Thursday, 28 May 2009 (sleeping in every hallway) 9:07am My essay "The Marvelous Land of Oz: The Tipping Point" is up on Fantasy Magazine. I'm quite happy with how it turned out. Meanwhile, judging from the comments, my Lesbian Podcast interview has offended some people with its verboten words and improper thoughts. Dig me, I'm controversial! And now I'm off to my second day of standing in line at San Francisco General. I'll probably listen to Low's "Do You Know How to Waltz?" on my iPhone several times. 12:31pm In spite of my best efforts, I couldn't help overhearing a couple of snaggle-toothed junkies ramble on about their methadone regimen and the injustice they face from the world. Heroin is so glamorous! 1:23pm Heading to the gym. I haven't gone since Monday, and it's obvious that my body is already decaying. (If I think I feel it, then it's real, right?) 11:58pm Marta wants to hang out with me after the Queer Open Mic and BIG AMERICAN DANCE PARTY! this Saturday. Good heavens, I think she actually likes me. I know I like her, so of course I said yes. | ||
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Wednesday, 27 May 2009 (chemicals and sacred roots) 9:07am Heading to San Francisco General to transfer my hormone prescription to the Healthy San Francisco program. I anticipate great wailing and gnashing of teeth. 12:12pm San Francisco General's Outpatient Pharmacy's vibe? Not happy, though a guy who was either a McPoyle or a relative of Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys took a liking to me. Ick. 5:31pm I rehearsed my piece for a few hours at The Dark Room with Michelle. It's easily the most challenging thing I've ever done on stage (even moreso than the final act of I AM SNOWMISER), but I know I can do it. My knees are killing me, though. 8:03pm I am waiting in a glass coffin for a girl named Kristen. I haven't been here since that night when I should have realized things weren't going anywhere with Bunny, but didn't. 11:45pm We had a few drinks, got some late-night Thai, then I walked her back to her place. It was good, and we'll be waltzing soon. | ||
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Tuesday, 26 May 2009 (hiding the veins) 8:15pm So Proposition 8 didn't get overturned today, and there's a big protest in the San Francisco streets, and I'm doing quite possibly the most irresponsible thing imaginable: going to see Star Trek again, with Rhiannon and her mom. I mean, I should be out protesting in the streets and shit, but, c'mon! I've only seen it once so far, and Rhiannon's mom's paying, so...c'mon! I was supposed to rehearse my piece with Michelle this afternoon at The Dark Room, but she had to reschedule due to a meeting with a recruiter going longer than anticipated. It just gave me more time to work on memorizing it, which is a good thing. 11:53pm I loved Star Trek just as much the second time around, and afterward I engaged in some of the most shameless flirting I've ever done. It didn't go anywhere, but it's not always meant to, and it was still a rush. | ||
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Monday, 25 May 2009 (the sights that i have seen) 12:53pm I hadn't intended to spent the past few hours driving all over town trying to find a new space heater for my bedroom—they're considered a "seasonal item," so in spite of the fact that it's been cold and windy lately most places don't carry them right now—but c'est la vie 'n shit. At least it gave me time to rehearse "The Last Dog and Pony Show," the first half of which I have memorized. 8:26pm My upstairs neighbors haven't returned from their weekend trip, and their dog is in the back yard right outside my window, crying and barking. It's heartbreaking and annoying in equal measure. Well, mostly equal. 11:51pm Did my hour tonight with Raphaela (who was dying to hear how things went with Marta), and whooboy, am I going to feel it in my arms tomorrow. | ||
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Sunday, 24 May 2009 (stay safe tonight) sometime after midnight Karaoke at Divas: "The Great Beyond" (R.E.M.), "Walk On" (U2), "Heart Full of Soul" (The Yardbirds) and "Because the Night" (Patti Smith). So, what it boils down to is this: I'm trying to open my jaded, scarred, gun-shy heart to getting involved with Marta. I want it very much, yet I'm also terrified of it, because...well, why is anyone afraid of intimacy, arguably the greatest gift our emotions grant us? Fear of getting hurt, of course. The pain of unfulfilled expectations. I'm sure there's a Buddhist lesson in there someplace. Still, I'm trying to change my karaoke energy. "The Great Beyond" is about transcending boundaries, and "Walk On" is about the letting go of the past, which I am so ready to do. Oh, sure, I'll keep writing about it, but that's different from still being affected by it. I've felt for some time that all that's been keeping me from getting past what happened is the fact that I can only do so much on my own. Which is not to suggest that it'll incumbent on the girl, that she'll bear any of the responsibility or baggage. Quite the opposite. It's more of a question of emotional momentum, which I can't generate enough of on my own, and which I've lacked ever since Ennui and I fizzled a year ago. (between two mays, magic and loss) "Heart Full of Soul" is...well, there's no way around the fact that it's about loneliness and despair (which is why I love it, duh), but it's also a lot of fun to sing. Raj said I sang it with such energy that I made it "almost uplifting," and if that doesn't descibe my overall performance aesthetic, I don't know what does. I closed out with "Because the Night," my favorite song about the power of sexual desire. "Energetic magnetism," Sadie calls it. Putting it out there to the universe, announcing your intentions, and then working to make it happen. | ||
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Saturday, 23 May 2009 (offend in every way) 9:35am Ugh. Why own a large dog if you're just going to leave it at home (to bark incessantly) while you go away on your weekend nature adventures? I mean, it's still a vast improvement over the giraffe, and maybe i'm just old and cranky, but I enjoy peace and quiet. That doesn't mean I'm entitled to it, though. 1:44pm I did an hour of cardio at the gym. (That'll give the dog the what-for!) I've gone the past few mornings, because this is the only way it works. For my reading material, I'm alternating between Noelle Oxenhandler's The Wishing Year and Dan Roche's Love's Labors: A Memoir of a Young Marriage and Divorce. By my standards, it's light reading. So, Marta and I had dinner last night at Zen Yai, then went to Divas, where we talked, drank, danced, kissed, and (improbably) found space to lay back and cuddle. It was lovely, and we'll be seeing each other again. | ||
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Friday, 22 May 2009 (what consequence it brings) 9:12am I need to get out of the habit of sending query letters to agents on Fridays. I mean, duh, really. 1:12pm Wow. The view from the twenty-second floor—I tend to forget that San Francisco exists in three dimensions. Or, to quote Flik: "The CITY!" I was in the office of the recruiter Temple recommended me to. The meeting went well enough, though she didn't have anything for me right away. Which is fine, because at least in my experience, they never do. She did say I interview well, which is good. I'd parked Phoebe at my old office, and returned to find her blocked in by another car. There's more levels of irony there than I care to contemplate. 7:18pm Heading out to what feels like my first real date since at least last May. sometime after midnight A little is enough. | ||
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Thursday, 21 May 2009 (long distance) 3:27pm PG&E decided to start tearing up streets in The Mission and The Castro just as street festival season is getting underway. Brilliant. 5:36pm Had a long, delicious, gluten-free lunch at Cafe Gratitude with Temple. We caught up, discussed unfinished business (is there any other kind?), and plotted. We have big plans for Pride weekend. 8:21pm And yet, in spite of it all, I still win. | ||
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