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Tuesday, 10 November 2009 (the three beggars) 12:11pm Just got back from the gym. I will get back on this horse, godsdamnit. 1:17pm Is there still a place I can go downtown to listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova? Because that sounds awesome. 8:59pm Finally got one of my favorite bits from The Gong Show at The Dark Room in '06 online: Denzil Meyers as The Unknown Comic. It cracks me up every time—I have a deep love for that sort of old-fashioned cornball one-liner comedy—and, occasionally in the extreme foreground as one of the judges, I look pretty damned hot. If'n I say so myself. That top hat really did work on me. 10:29pm Heading out into the night in search of adventure. And to dance. (Mostly just to dance, truth be told.) 11:21pm Landed at Annie's. Big dance floor, no cover, karaoke and Hamm's for a buck. Mission accomplished! Of course, Hamm's is (to quote Eric Idle) a little like making love in a canoe, but as previously established, it's one dollar. And I'm unemployed, so I'm trying to have as much as fun as I can while spending as little money as possible. Ergo. | ||
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Monday, 9 November 2009 (chaos reigns) 8:22am Marta and I had dinner last night at Los Jarritos, swung by Shotwell's to say hello to Rhiannon (who now bartends there every other Sunday), and then to The Dark Room, where we parted company before Bad Movie Night. We're getting together again on Thursday night. Bad Movie Night went well. We again got a decent crowd (for Terminator 2: Judgment Day), which I think means this month's gimmick is going to work. Afterward, a few of us went to Shotwell's, where I drank whatever beer Rhiannon gave me and danced to the music I put on the jukebox. Sadly, it didn't have "Hotel California," but I'm finally at the point where I can appreciate "There is a Light that Never Goes Out" again. Today, the Census job application goes out in the mail, I continue working on the ad agency stuff, and hopefully I'll hear back about the webmonkey gig, and maybe even (heaven forfend!) get called in for an interview. That'd be awesome. | ||
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Sunday, 8 November 2009 (idée fixe) 11:11am Sent off my application (i.e., cover letter and resume and writing sample) for the webmonkey position, and the Census paperwork is ready to go into tomorrow's mail. Next up, revamping my resume for the ad agency. That one's a little less urgent than the other two, but still needs to be done sooner rather than later. 3:59pm My interview from earlier this year on the Homofactus Press website about Femmethology: How do you define your femme identity?I'm still amazed I managed to resist mentioning my deep hatred for the cover. | ||
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Saturday, 7 November 2009 (on the nose) 1:02pm I passed the test. I don't know what my score was, except that anything over seventy-one percent constitues passing and there were only twenty-eight questions, so...yeah. I didn't miss enough to fail. The next step now is to actually apply for the job, which involves filling out paperwork and actually putting in the mail. Haven't done that in a while, if ever. There were six of us taking the test, including one other tranny, and as we were leaving, the head of the office (the guy who needs an admin) pulled her and I aside and strongly encouraged us to apply. He also commented that he's seen me around—he wasn't sure from where, but he definitely recognized the hair. In any event, I didn't get the impression that the squid would hurt my chances. Yay for diversity. In addition to this and the possible ad agency job, yet another strong lead as popped up. Johanna forwarded me an email about a webmonkey position a non-profit, and I fit the qualifications perfectly. So Johanna talked to someone who knows someone, more emails were sent, I'm on the radar of the person doing the hiring. So today's mission to follow up on that, and then fill out the Census job paperwork. In that order. It's a pretty classic conundrum: I'm much more excited about the webmonkey job since I'm so well-suited for it (and if offered I'm totally accepting) but it's only part time at the moment, whereas the Census gig is not so much my thing but it's full-time and fairly stable. Granted, it kinda has a built-in expiration date (i.e., the end of 2010), but that's okay, because it'll beat the hell out of being on Unemployment until then. I'm just thrilled to have genuine employment prospects again. I'm done with the not-working thing. 8:11pm My first Saturday night in recent memory without Marta. I don't like it, not one bit. | ||
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Friday, 6 November 2009 (nowhere near) 7:21pm Suddenly, a job lead: I'm going in tomorrow morning to test for a job with the U.S. Census. My employment specialist person at the Jewish Vocational Service (not to be confused with my employment specialist person at the LGBT Center) made the connection for me, since the Census folks are apparently keen to hire queers. The person I spoke to on the phone today specifically said it was an admin position for the head of the office, which is not really at the top of my list of things I want do again (especially after my horrible experiences with the Very Bad Man in Sausalito), but beggars and choosers and all. In any event, I'm looking at it as a foot in the door, since it's not like I have to take the specific position if I don't want it, and maybe they'll offer me something else instead. It'll go how it goes. And I'd been planning on going to Ask Dr. Hal tonight, but since I have to be at the Census place a quarter to ten in the morning, and it would be behoove me to have gotten something resembling a good night's sleep. I actually slept for six hours last night, which is twice my average these days. Meanwhile, a friend of mine who recently started at an ad agency has been giving me tips on jazzing up my resume and cover letter and whatnot, and when she thinks it's up to snuff, she'll pass it along to the recruiter who hired her. Every decent job I've ever had has been because someone already there got me in for an interview, so I've got a good feeling about it. Which is not the same as expectations, of course. I have none of those. | ||
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Thursday, 5 November 2009 (big white cloud) 5:41pm At Mocha 101 with Marta, for a writing date. Sort of a "let's see how we get along now that we've broken up" kinda thing. So far, so good, though it mostly makes me sad that I can't kiss her. 10:22pm After writing, we had dinner at King of Thai, and then had ice cream at Marco Polo, because it was there and we like ice cream and it was a good way to continue to spend time together, which we both very much wanted to do. Afterward, we parted company (hug, no kiss), then chatted online when we each got home. | ||
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Wednesday, 4 November 2009 (a good year for the roses) 12:49pm At the Sea Biscuit, on my laptop with an empty mocha cup next to me. It's worked before, it'll work again. I made it an out of the Pharmacy in about an hour yesterday, then headed to The Dark Room to put up new Bad Movie Night flyers. While there, I accepted the job of running sound for the theater's production of Life of Brian in December. I'd probably be there anyway, so I might as well be productive and get a few bucks for it, though I'd probably do it for free. I like to feel needed. My original plan from there was to hit Mission Creek or some similar place to get some writing done, but instead I texted Sadie. I accompanied her on a shopping trip to get mice for her snake, and bascially a nice long walk in the falling twilight, then went back to her place. Her roommate had just made dinner and invited me—nay, insisted I that I join them, which I was more than happy to. After dinner, Sadie busted out her laptop and I attempted to hand-edit the latest draft of my story for her anthology. I'm very happy with how it's turning out, mainly because it's story I abandoned several years ago and have been wanting to return to ever since. It's actually just as well that I'm not getting to it until now, because I finally have the proper perspective, and the story finally has a beginning, middle and end, which it never really did before. For someone who craves narrative structure as much as I do, there's nothing better than a third act. Instead, I napped. I got all of three hours of sleep the night before, so I suppose it was inevitable. It was pushing midnight when I awoke for the last time, and I'd dreamed, so I guess I really needed it. And I thought about Marta a lot, about the whole situation, about how this feels different from other breakups. It's a purer kind of sadness than I've felt in a while, without the rough edges of the breakup with Vash, which will probably always be the gold standard of painful breakups. Things haven't gotten truly sour between Marta and I—issues have developed, it's true, and needs aren't being met and there's mutual disappointment and increasingly evident imcompatibilities, but there's no real resentment or anger, either. Just a profound sense of loss, of unfulfilled potential, a piece of my heart removed. And so many things left to do. (We were going to do Ecstasy again. I still want to hold her as MDMA buzzes in our systems.) sometime after midnight After writing and The Sea Biscuit for a few hours, then joined KrOB for a matinee of The Nightmare Before Christmas 3D at The Castro. We went back to his place, where I'd intended to nap (since I once again got about three hours of sleep last night), but instead we hung out and talked and watched Big Trouble in Little China for the zillionth time each. From there we went to Pete and Sarah's to watch Battlestar Galactica: The Plan, which had my my only real (ahem) plan for the day. It was after one in the morning by the time KrOB and I finally left, and I just got home a little while ago, pushing three o'clock. But I walked about four miles all told, so yay me for that. | ||
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Tuesday, 3 November 2009 (give me strength) 10:13am The thing is, Marta and I still talk. We still chat and text, almost as frequently as before. And we have a writing date scheduled for Thursday. I don't know if it's good or bad, if we should just not have any contact, but I feel like I'm not quite ready to do that, because I'm not ready to completely let her go. I remember this feeling. I hate this feeling. I'm not afraid of being alone. Being alone will last however long it lasts. It's not being with Marta that hurts, because that's the part that's going to last forever. But things still have to get done no matter what, and of them is going to the Pharmacy at San Francisco General to get my hormone refill. It's never a pleasant experience under the best of circumstances, and these are not the best of circumstance. And what of it? 12:12pm So many profoundly unhappy people here. Genuine despair, hardwired into them and their circumstance. It reminds me of how fortunate to live the life I'm living. 6:01pm gods, i'm hungry. | ||
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Monday, 2 November 2009 (peering into the corners) 9:11am Back to the gym this morning. I've never fully recovered from my cold last week, and while I was still able to do things like pick grapes and then stomp then on Saturday night, let alone lots of walking and dancing, the ickiness has been waiting in the back of my head all this time to reassert itself. And being sad doesn't help, either. (The last time I got a cold, I lost my job. This time, I lost Marta. I don't wanna know what I'll lose next time.) But I've gotta get back on the treadmill, figuratively and otherwise. 8:45pm The chorus of "Slow Life" on the New Moon soundtrack is good enough to justify the entire Twilight phenomenon. Almost. It's exactly the song I need right now, anyway. Every sadness needs its song. Ramah tightened the squid this evening. It looks better now, and I got hopped up on ibuprofen beforehand, so I feel just fine. sometime after midnight The numbness is going away. Ow. | ||
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Sunday, 1 November 2009 (a place where nothing ever happens) 4:12pm Halloween was great, but November already sucks. (And just to beat the holiday rush: fuck Christmas and everything to do with Christmas. That goes for God and baby Jesus, too.) Marta and I broke up this morning. It hurts. Or, at least, it will. Right now, I'm mostly numb. We didn't really fight or have a major blowout, but more of a reckoning, I suppose, an admission of the inevitable. I don't like it one bit, and neither does she, but there it is. 6:23pm Hanging out at Sadie's. Breakups always seem to reinvigorate our friendship. As I was standing at 20th and Valencia, texting Sadie to find out if she was home so I could come over, a girl came up to me and said she "enjoyed my speech" at The Garage. It took me a minute to figure out what she was referring to. I've performed at The Garage before? So addled. 11:42pm So, naturally, everything explodes at Bad Movie Night. There were several technical glitches as we got started, not to mention the presence of a person whom I'd hoped to never see again, a troll who probably dislikes me as much as I disliked him. We got everything up and running, and the show itself was good (a lot of people turned out to hear us riff on The Dark Knight, which is a good sign, since theme of this month is "good movies that we shouldn't make fun of"), and I got the unexpected surprise of Ilene's presence. She hasn't been to Bad Movie Night in a few years, so it was all the more surprising. She was mostly there because our mutual friend (and Rimma's ex) Ziad was one of the hosts, but still, it was great to see her. I kinda need friendly faces right now. I didn't tell her about Marta and I, though. The only people I've told thus far are Sadie, Erin and Rhiannon. The core. On the way home, I stopped at Safeway. When I got home, I discovered that the bag of groceries never made it into Phoebe. That's how addled I am right now. In all likelihood, they're on the curb at Taraval and 17th. I hope they feed a homeless person for a while. | ||
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